Explain Yourself · 28 February 2010, 01:33
So I’ve been long gone from the church (and christianity and theism, etc) for the past 5 years or so, and since moving away from Utah and coming to an unspoken understanding of “just don’t ask” with my mother/active siblings, I’ve settled nicely into the comfy little “normal life” track that Seattle has afforded me.
However, I recently stumbled upon the facebook profile of a family from my mission (about 10 years removed), and in light of my last contact with them (_long story short: companion was fucking nuts, abusing his girlfriend’s kids, shit hit fan shortly after I got home, church punished me for saying nothing and made me cut all ties to friends in australia_), I felt it would be nice to try to reconnect with some fantastic people (regardless of the fact they were very active members). I’ve longed for a connection with australia ever since I left, and they were such a pivotal family in one of my fav areas, I figured they’d know what everyone had been up to.
It’s been a bit jarring, however, to find their response to my message to be so overtly filled with descriptions of their kids being “so strong in the gospel” and talk of missions and whatnot. They spent several paragraphs describing what they are doing in church now, etc, and eked only two sentences about how the grandmum (who I also knew) was dying of cancer.
It was a bit disappointing, but the end of the letter gave me pause in quickly responding. The father, a former bishop (albeit one of the nicest, understanding bishops I’ve ever seen), asked straight up if I was still active, “and I pray you are.”
It’s so easy to explain to never-mos and recent friends that I was once mormon, but have given that up. It’s like saying you were once married, or used to have a drinking problem, or lived in some far off exotic land for a little while. It’s a topic of passing interest, with some life-altering experiences, but largely no one judges you on it and life moves on.
However, explaining the detailed, intricate process you followed of unravelling your entire believe structure is a maddening task. Even worse is explaining said process to the people who have always, and will always, view you through mormon eyes. As maddening as the task would normally be, explaining it to these tender, well-meaning people is like explaining to your mother that you killed her favourite pet several years ago in a brutal and disgusting manner, but don’t worry, it was all for the best and your life is going great right now. How is it you explain that you’ve disproven, for your own purposes, the cherished beliefs they hold so dear, and feel confident in telling them you’re so glad you did? It’s heart breaking. It’s probably why I’ll never end up telling my mother why I’m no longer mormon.
So how will I explain this to this caring, sweet family from my past? Simple—I’ll just avoid it all together, stick my fingers in my ears and pretend they never asked.